The unexpected and necessary truth.

In life there are moments where you tend to get stuck in a routine or rut if you will. You live your life day to day and rarely feel much emotion other than an occasional sigh or smile.. and then it hits you, life gives you a sharp slap to your face. In my case, it was a permanent blush to the cheek type slap and I was left speechless with only my thoughts and tears.

For the past few months my life has consisted of unexpected plans and last minute cancellations and a rush of financial responsibilities. From the eyes of an outsider, even those eyes of people working closely with me on a day to day basis, like my husband, were left unaware of the anguish and anxiety that were paining me daily. I barely even recognized the emotions that were taking over me, I had become numb to life.

I lived each day as a task and all I needed was to check off the list of items on my schedule: attend this meeting, cook dinner, get the dog’s shots, buy this, do that, go there, etc. More often than not I would be notified that something was cancelled and then I was left with the distress of my schedule and all the plans for the day being ruined.

Not only was I numb to my emotions but also to anything that wasn’t in my direct field of vision. I thought my marriage was progressing as normal and that everything was just fine, until it wasn’t.  My house was a mess and I hadn’t folded laundry for a couple weeks. My kids had been acting out lately but I brushed it off as they were stir crazy or just in a bad phase, never once had I thought that maybe they were starved for real, emotional, attention. And then there was my marriage, I had not noticed any difference in my husband or our connection, all while unbeknownst to me, my husband was dying inside. And I didn’t realize any of this until life slapped me.

It took my husband speaking up for me to finally realize that my life was falling apart before my eyes and I didn’t even acknowledge, let alone realize it. How could all of these things been playing out in front of me and I be blinded?

As a wife, mother, caretaker, one would think I could sense these types of actions taking place and yet here I was with my life in shambles, crashing down around me with no preconceived notion. I had let my kids suffer, let the connection between my husband and I die and left my house to look like toddlers were running the place.

I myself couldn’t understand it and still a part of me is left questioning how and why but at least I know now what to look for so that it doesn’t happen again. I am sure some people can relate to being so caught up in not letting anyone down and making sure everything is done that we actually are letting everyone down and the important things are not getting done.

After spending too much time wallowing in tears and self pity, the conclusion came to me that I shouldn’t be laying here thinking that it was all over and my life would never be the same. I realized that I needed to become renewed and refreshed, although I was right about one thing, my life wasn’t going to be the same.I was going to wake up and take all the negativity and brush it out the door. I was going to focus on what’s important and thrive on the good rather than the dwelling when something doesn’t go as planned. I can still make sure everything is getting done and not let anyone down in the process. I can focus on what’s important all while completely the tasks that need to be done, even if they don’t get done at a record speed.

I only write this post in hopes that if someone else is feeling numb and doesn’t recognize it, that this post may be a gentle realization rather than the harsh one that I went through. Hopefully you can see this and be able to turn it around without having to admit to others that you aren’t there and are not doing life the way they are. You may not feel okay now and it may take some time to get things back in order but it will be okay. Remember what is important and realize that those who love you will still be there for you. It’s okay and if it’s not, it’s going to be soon. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone and let some stress roll off your back, don’t be afraid of what they may say, cause what they say may be exactly what you needed to hear.

Love, light and namaste,

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Ordinary Chronicles: Mekette

For the last week I have been busy writing down my life story. I feel it is important for others to learn from each other and the best way to do that is to hear each others stories. It seems that everyone is so compelled to hear about a celebrity or high profile individuals life but yet we pass that homeless man on the corner without a single word passed or story exchanged. I love hearing about other people’s lives, famous or not, when I pass individuals on the street I find myself being inquisitive about what their story is. So I have decided to start asking normal, everyday people their stories and sharing them with all of you here. I have chosen to name these pieces the Ordinary Chronicles.

For the first Ordinary Chronicle, I decided to take an easy route so that I could get the hang of this idea and see how to make my vision a reality and did this piece on my mom.

Name: Mekette Keele Hodges

Born: October, 1969

Astrological sign: Libra

From: Utah

Mekette was a loving, blonde hair, blue eyed child who always felt like a black sheep to her brown hair, green eyed siblings and loved being the center of attention. As she got older she became a rebellious teenager who did things her way no matter what others said. She had a poor attitude toward school causing her to ditch a lot and not take her academics seriously. And now she wishes she could go back and take school more seriously,not ditch as much and actually learn somethings because her biggest disappointment in herself is that she never pursued her career when she had a chance. Luckily, when she was starting to go downhill and be more rebellious her sister sat her down and set her straight by telling her that she needed get back on the right track. because of that single act Mekette considers her sister to have had the most positive impact on her life. Although things may not have turned out the way she thought it would, she is very content with what her life have become.

She was married for the first time at seventeen and she experienced one of her worst memories not long after that when she suffered a miscarriage. Shortly after that she was blessed with one of her best memories when she was able to carry her baby through a full term pregnancy and experience the birth of her first child. Two years after her marriage, Mekette and her husband proceeded through a divorce. After the divorce Mekette operated a daycare so that she could spend time with her daughter and through this daycare she was able to meet her next husband. They were married and had three sons in three short years. This marriage would last eleven years but would also end in divorce. After two divorces Mekette decided it would be best to focus on working and being a single mom to her four children. Once her children were grown and out on their own Mekette fell in love, is re-married and reaching toward old age.

Being her biggest critic and claiming that she doesn’t like herself too much, Mekette has found that she herself has had the most negative impact on herself because she made so many bad decisions and took herself down the wrong road. But through all the negativity she also recognizes what a hard worker she is and still finds time to laugh at herself and constantly be in a entertaining battle for center of attention with her husband. Mekette loves crafting, reading, watching movies and most of all, singing. Through all of her struggles and happiness the one thing Mekette hopes that people can take from her is that she is a good and kind person.

#DearMe

Hey ya’ll,

There is a new “challenge” per say, that is going around YouTube and there are many female YouTubers jumping on board and doing this said challenge. The challenge is to help empower young women and give them inspiration. To do this you basically state what you would tell your younger self if you were able to. I am not good at voicing my thoughts, I am much better at putting them into words, so I have decided to take this “YouTube Challenge” and put it into a blog, so here goes.

#DearMe,

I know this life thing is extremely hard and some days you don’t know if you can take much more. But believe me, you will survive, you will make it and you will be so happy that you did.

At this point in time friends are probably your number one priority and nothing seems more important than friendships, that’s not the truth. One day, most of those friends won’t be there to help you pick up the pieces from your failed attempt at love, they won’t be there to hold your hand when you are going through labor and you won’t even know where they are when your kids are driving you so crazy that you feel like you are going to pull your hair out. If you are lucky you will find one or maybe even a couple friends that will be there for all those big moments and more importantly for the bad ones, but only time will tell. You definitely will need friends and they are so much fun to have around but make sure that your needs are met long before you are meeting theirs.

Keep enjoying school and learning, you may never get those learning experiences and environments ever again. Bond with your teachers and appreciate all the hard work that they do for you. When you are older, you will often remember those teachers and use their advice in your daily life/career as an adult. They put more time and effort into your success than you could ever fathom. And you may think that learning these things aren’t beneficial but one day you will wish you had paid attention more and will find yourself doing the research again and for fun!

I could tell you so many things and offer so much advice that it would take a novel to finish. But there is one piece of advice that I can’t express enough, love yourself. Remind yourself everyday how wonderful you are. If you look exceptionally good one day, then own it. Don’t ever doubt yourself or your worth, you are more than you could ever give yourself credit for. It is not selfish to meet your own needs first or to love yourself. When you learn to love yourself and enjoy yourself, that is the moment when you will find complete and total satisfaction. You will never be lonely and never lack self confidence. Depend on yourself for your self worth and good people will come to you. The happier you are with yourself the happier the people you surround yourself will be.

You are doing a good job, you will make it through this tough time. One day, when you find yourself you will find happiness and all these struggles will just be rocks along the path in your journey.

Love, light and namaste,

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March Full Moon

This morning marked the full moon and for some reason when a full moon comes into play my whole being is shifted. The last couple full moons have messed with my abilities to get things done and I feel this sense of urgency to change everything, who I am, what I want to be, how I look, etc. But yet, I lack motivation or confidence to do so. Last night I had an entire theme I wanted to write about and this morning I sat down to do so and I couldn’t do it. I had lost my entire inspiration and nothing seemed to make sense.

So here I sit with a million ideas going through my brain and my head is literally spinning. Nothing is making sense and nothing seems right. I eventually decided I would just sit and write whatever came to mind as my fingers hit the keyboard. As you can see, I am not getting anywhere with this but at least I am putting my creativity to work and not slacking on what I truly want to do, right?

For the last week I have felt very insecure and extremely vulnerable, which in turn has caused my writing to lack and not be filled with the emotions or rawness that I would much prefer. I would think that the full moon/the Universe has a large hand in that but how am I to know for sure?

I am a firm believer in the Universe and moon/planets/stars playing a huge role in our lives and our moods. I know that this isn’t always a huge belief in most people, especially those who are very religious and often when I bring this up to others I tend to get some strange looks. I guess it goes right along with the science vs. religion debate and I know there is much debate whether astrology is base off faith or scientific facts, but in my opinion it could go both ways.

Obviously there are stars, planets, a moon, a sun, etc. and it is proven that they rotate and move in the universe. The faith part of this then moves into if they actually affect us as human beings. So maybe astrology goes for both, faith and science. I truly believes that we as humans change based on what is going on in space. I have witnessed my children’s behaviors and moods change when there is a change in the stars/planets and I also know I feel entirely different during a change as well.

I know this post is quite boring and not very intriguing but you can blame the moon 😉 But I am also curious, do you believe that astrology changes your behaviors and moods? Do you believe astrology to be faith or scientific?

Love, light and namaste,

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Blended families can get a little blended…

Hey everyone, just a stranger stopping in to say hello 😉

But really, it has been a while. Things have been really crazy in this little life of mine, nothing that I will bore you with the details of but it has been hard for me to get down to my computer and write a post when things are crazy and my mind is in a place of it’s own.

As I am sure you all can understand.

Today I have had one topic on my mind that will not leave and I am keep getting the feeling that I should write about it, so here I am 🙂

What I am about to talk about it solely based on my experiences. I understand all situations are different and no two have the same outcomes. But this is my story and does not reflect the stories of others.

I don’t know if anyone knows but I am a stepmother and have been for 6 years.. I am not only a stepmother to one kid  but four. I made the decision to become a stepmother at the naive age of 19.. and it hasn’t been all dandelions and roses. It has been a rough six years to say the least.

I have always accounted the fact that I was 19 to the reason I chose to marry a man with so much baggage, I strongly believe if I had been older and had more experience in life that I would have turned around and ran away faster than he could say “I do”. At 19 I had no idea what I was doing or what I was getting into, I was the classic “old enough to know better but still too young to care.” And what a blessing it was, had I been older I wouldn’t have known all I was missing out on.

Now, yes, I did say it hasn’t been pretty but I also didn’t say what a wonderful experience it has been as well. Now being a stepmother means that you could ask me every single day the question, “Would you recommend marrying a father, to another woman?” and every time I will have a different answer. A few answers I have given are,

“If they really love that man then yes.”

“Only if he is a widow.”

“Never.”

“Only if they are strong enough to take all the heartache.”

“Yes, the good far out weighs the bad.”

Those are a few I remember saying when the subject of step-parenting is brought up. Now I know I am no expert on step-parenting and I am by no means a psychologist but I have been doing this for a bit and have learned quite a few things along the way.

First things first, like I said, it is very hard. There is a lot of heartbreak and a lot of time spent feeling alone. There are moments where you feel like an outsider, when your husband and his kids are discussing all their memories and you have no idea what they are talking about or when they talk about the children as babies and you feel so heartbroken that you didn’t get to experience it because you love those kids as if they were your own and you wish you could have been there for their whole lives. You also have the moments where you feel like you are nothing more than a glorified babysitter, the parents are working and the kids are left with you.. no big deal right, you love those kids and you love spending time with them.. true, but you also get no credit for doing it and the kids will eventually just want their real parents. Not because they don’t love you but because kids just want their parents, it’s human nature. You will probably feel used and under appreciated eventually too because you are expected to be like a regular parent but no matter how hard you try, you will never be the bio parent and therefore hardly ever get the benefits of being a bio parent.

But,there is also some added benefits. Not being the bio parent also means the kids feel more comfortable to share things with you when they are having a hard time and need a heart to heart. You aren’t their bio parent so they trust you in a completely different way than they do their own parents. You get to enjoy the good things along with the bad things and you get to shape how these humans turn out as adults, but when things don’t go the way they should you can always blame your spouse because “you’re just step-parent” 😉 You also get to have a break from the kids when the stress is getting to be too much. When you have your own children breaks are never required or even expected but as a step-parent, it is required you share your time and on some visitations the breaks are well deserved..

Don’t forget, you also have to co-parent. Co-parenting is probably the hardest thing about divorce. If more couples understood the immensity of co-parenting, I think they would double think the whole divorce thing. It is hard for most bio parents to co-parent so imagine being the step-parent. In my case and probably other cases, the bio parent doesn’t exactly welcome you into their child’s lives with open arms. You will be seen as a threat and therefore be treated as such. You are good enough to do all the things any other parent would do but not good enough to get the respect for it. And because of this you will feel like you aren’t good enough and feel resistance which in turn will cause turmoil in your marriage and your spouse has to play the middle card. The card that requires them to not make the bio parent mad and disrupt the co-parenting but also not upset you and hurt your marriage.

So this leads me to the point of it can be worth it. If you have a love that is greater than the troubles, than you have it made. The most important lesson that I have learned in my experiences of being a step-parent is that, you will have bad days but you have good ones too. At the end of the day, when my marriage is better than the step-parent troubles then I know it could be worse.

My marriage will always rise to the troubles and as long as I know that then I know that it is worth it.

When I feel less than or second best, I look at my spouse and know that I am not.

When I feel under appreciated or used, I look at my family and see the happiness in their faces and know that it’s not true.

No matter what trials I face, I know that my husband loves me and appreciates everything I do and even if the kids don’t see it, one day they will.

So if you are contemplating being a step-parent, you should know. It’s not for everyone. It is hard and you have to work at it. Some days you will feel like you can’t make it through anymore, but in order to overcome that you need to know that you have a spouse that loves you more than anything in this world. You will have to make your own self confidence and know that your marriage is worth it. If you can’t do that, then run. But if you can then embrace the struggle and feel the warmth of the love.

Catching up.

Hey ya’ll!

As I am sure you have gathered it has been a busy week/weekend! We celebrated two birthdays last week, my daughters and my stepsons and then immediately after the birthdays a few of us in the house came down with a cold.. yay! (how thankful I am that they hit after the birthdays.)

On Saturday we did a double family birthday party for the two birthday kids and then yesterday was the glorious Super Bowl XLIX and we had a get together with some of our favorite people.

But boy did it take everything out of me.

I have a few blog posts that I have up my sleeve that I am still currently working on and getting the rest of the brainstorming going while I mend the end of my sickness.

I am curious to ask what it is that people reading this would like to see from me.. What topics would like me to write about or discuss? I love the open discussion and the non judgmental sharing of opinions and thoughts so keep them coming 🙂

Love, light and namaste.

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Not all things are what they seem.

I am a naturally curious person, I have self-titled myself a “question addict”. I am constantly asking questions, not only to others but also myself.

This morning my friend sent me a link to a video that had you use your dominant finger and trace the uppercase letter “Q” on your forehead and the direction that you wrote the “Q” stated if you were,

A– an introvert who is a bad liar or

B– a extrovert that loves attention, is aware of how other people perceive them and is a good liar.

This video, naturally, sparked many questions in my mind.

This video had brought a new perspective to my mind that I had never thought about before. Now if you noticed they bring up that if you are a good liar you are also aware of how other people perceive you.. This then brings me to question that if you can lie well and you are aware of how others see you then what does it mean if you are a bad liar? That you are more concerned with how you see yourself as opposed to how others see yourself? Well if you are more opposed to how you see yourself rather than how others see you, wouldn’t that make you selfish? I would assume that those who are bad liars are more concerned with their own perception of themselves because they must easily feel guilty and have a hard time living with the guilt of lying and those who are more aware of others perceptions of themselves are good liars because they don’t want others to look down on them or see them as different. Would you agree?

So here I am thinking of how “selfishness” has always been perceived to be a bad thing and in some circumstances it still is. But I believe in the category of lying, maybe it isn’t… Maybe the fact that some people are too selfish to let themselves live with guilt is a benefit. Lying always tends to lead to worse situations especially when we are lying to ourselves. Maybe if we all could be a little bit more selfish and honest with ourselves we could make things a little bit better for ourselves and those around us.

Now I understand everyone is different and maybe some of us are just natural liars and can do it very well, but that doesn’t mean we have to lie. We could train ourselves to tell the truth and not always jump to lying. I think in the sense that those who are good liars are more aware of how others see them, so think of how people would see you if you told the truth.. Amazing right?! Think of the positive energy that would be spreading through the universe.

On another note, I also wanted to talk about how my oldest daughter is turning four tomorrow! It is so crazy to see how fast your child grows before your very eyes! And every prior birthday she has celebrated I always entered it with a sense of sadness that she was growing so fast. I would tell her that I was sad at how big she was getting, etc. Well this year she looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t wanna grow up. I want to stay little forever.” and my heart shrunk. How sad that my child was sad about her future and wasn’t filled with joy to celebrate her birthday. I couldn’t help but put the blame on myself for filling her with this sadness of her upcoming birthday. So this year I am taking it upon myself to be excited and proud for her birthday tomorrow. No more showing sadness to her about her birthdays. I am excited to see her grow up and to watch her future unfold and all I can hope is that she will too. It is so mind boggling at how much our children pick up on what we are putting out there. I am seeing now (better late than never eh?) that I myself need to be more aware of what my kids are picking up from me. I need to portray what I want my children to become.

Love, light and namaste.

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The progressing illness with no cure in sight….

I believe as mother’s we all suffer from a very serious illness, an illness that seems to have no cure, that only progressively gets worse and effects the way we live.

This illness is called Mom Brain. 

If you are lucky enough to not suffer from this illness then consider yourself a miracle and do not tell your doctors because you may be submitted to rigorous testing.

I felt this topic was very fitting due to the content of my Topic Thursday video. After watching the video I realized I had made a couple mistake on the video, i.e. I said NFC championship game when it was truly the AFC, among other mistakes. I watched the video before uploading to watch for mistakes and sure enough I didn’t catch any. Typical mom brain, waits until later to humiliate me.

I always tend to forget that I have mom brain until I am caught in a predicament of looking like an idiot because of something I said or did. Now mom brain is pretty self explanatory, as a mother we are left with so much on our minds ranging from: kids, husbands, dinner, errands, to do lists, etc. that we then forget some of the basic things that non mothers can remember. So in order to not bore you with the nitty gritty details I will give you one of my more memorable mom brain stories.

I do my grocery shopping once a week so that I do not have to be leaving the house multiple times a week, so when I do my shopping I end up having to stop at a few stores. Well on this one occasion I was stopping at my last stop which was a grocery store, we had already made about three stops and had been going on nearly three hours of errands at this point. Needless to say my children were exhausted and not being too cooperative. I wanted to make this stop a quick one so that my kids didn’t have time to make it a miserable experience. I drive a mini van and so I slid the backdoor open to grab my kids out of their car seats and head into the store. My thought process was to be quick and keep the kids behaved. We ran into the store and grabbed the couple of things we needed to grab and headed back to the car, as we walk out of the doors I set my eyes on the van and notice the backdoor is wide open. In a panic and feeling quite embarrassed, I rush to the van and then notice that on the back seat my cell phone is sitting there, in plain view. Now this could have been a much worse situation of my phone being stolen or anything else in the car but luckily it wasn’t, but my embarrassment was still at an all time high for all the people in the parking lot who witnessed me running to a van with a door wide open and my unruly children screaming in the basket.

Hopefully this story could give you a little laugh or relief to the thought of mom brain. I feel that sharing stories can help us not feel so alone and can give us a little more relief that we aren’t the only crazy ones in the world, so what are some experiences you have had with mom brain or maybe even, what do you do to help your mom brain spasms?

Love, light and namaste.

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Topic Thursday the first.

Hey everyone!

Today I took a leap and decided to make a video for my blog. This was really hard for me, it brought my anxiety up a little bit because I don’t usually like to record myself or take pictures of myself so I drop my walls and decided to do it.
I seem like a creep because I recorded it in my bathroom but it was the only room I could go that my kids weren’t bugging me and interrupting. So I apologize about that but nonetheless it makes it more authentic 🙂

I wanna do a weekly segment where I talk about some topics that are circulating each week that catch my interest and talk about the movies that will be coming out into theaters that week. I also want to do a Video Diary that shows  what I did each week (that will be coming soon).

I hope you enjoy the first video 🙂

 

 

The topics I talked about in this video are:

The Deflate Gate/NFL Controversy
http://sports.yahoo.com/news/brady-isnt-clean-cut-says-sherman-003943262–nfl.html

Shia LaBeouf’s bodily odors
http://www.etonline.com/news/156519_maddie_ziegler_on_controversial_sia_video_shia_labeouf_hygiene_was_an_issue/

New movie releases

Netflix new/deleted streams
https://www.yahoo.com/movies/netflix-to-stream-the-interview-starting-jan-24-108673594272.html
https://tv.yahoo.com/news/titles-leaving-netflix-february-whats-being-added-142708346.html

John Du Pont interview/documentary
https://www.yahoo.com/movies/real-john-du-pont-foxcatcher-documentary-are-108767717067.html

Yoga everyday for a month
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/grete-deangelo/what-a-month-of-yoga-did-_b_6488730.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

Love, light and namaste,

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