In life there are moments where you tend to get stuck in a routine or rut if you will. You live your life day to day and rarely feel much emotion other than an occasional sigh or smile.. and then it hits you, life gives you a sharp slap to your face. In my case, it was a permanent blush to the cheek type slap and I was left speechless with only my thoughts and tears.
For the past few months my life has consisted of unexpected plans and last minute cancellations and a rush of financial responsibilities. From the eyes of an outsider, even those eyes of people working closely with me on a day to day basis, like my husband, were left unaware of the anguish and anxiety that were paining me daily. I barely even recognized the emotions that were taking over me, I had become numb to life.
I lived each day as a task and all I needed was to check off the list of items on my schedule: attend this meeting, cook dinner, get the dog’s shots, buy this, do that, go there, etc. More often than not I would be notified that something was cancelled and then I was left with the distress of my schedule and all the plans for the day being ruined.
Not only was I numb to my emotions but also to anything that wasn’t in my direct field of vision. I thought my marriage was progressing as normal and that everything was just fine, until it wasn’t. My house was a mess and I hadn’t folded laundry for a couple weeks. My kids had been acting out lately but I brushed it off as they were stir crazy or just in a bad phase, never once had I thought that maybe they were starved for real, emotional, attention. And then there was my marriage, I had not noticed any difference in my husband or our connection, all while unbeknownst to me, my husband was dying inside. And I didn’t realize any of this until life slapped me.
It took my husband speaking up for me to finally realize that my life was falling apart before my eyes and I didn’t even acknowledge, let alone realize it. How could all of these things been playing out in front of me and I be blinded?
As a wife, mother, caretaker, one would think I could sense these types of actions taking place and yet here I was with my life in shambles, crashing down around me with no preconceived notion. I had let my kids suffer, let the connection between my husband and I die and left my house to look like toddlers were running the place.
I myself couldn’t understand it and still a part of me is left questioning how and why but at least I know now what to look for so that it doesn’t happen again. I am sure some people can relate to being so caught up in not letting anyone down and making sure everything is done that we actually are letting everyone down and the important things are not getting done.
After spending too much time wallowing in tears and self pity, the conclusion came to me that I shouldn’t be laying here thinking that it was all over and my life would never be the same. I realized that I needed to become renewed and refreshed, although I was right about one thing, my life wasn’t going to be the same.I was going to wake up and take all the negativity and brush it out the door. I was going to focus on what’s important and thrive on the good rather than the dwelling when something doesn’t go as planned. I can still make sure everything is getting done and not let anyone down in the process. I can focus on what’s important all while completely the tasks that need to be done, even if they don’t get done at a record speed.
I only write this post in hopes that if someone else is feeling numb and doesn’t recognize it, that this post may be a gentle realization rather than the harsh one that I went through. Hopefully you can see this and be able to turn it around without having to admit to others that you aren’t there and are not doing life the way they are. You may not feel okay now and it may take some time to get things back in order but it will be okay. Remember what is important and realize that those who love you will still be there for you. It’s okay and if it’s not, it’s going to be soon. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone and let some stress roll off your back, don’t be afraid of what they may say, cause what they say may be exactly what you needed to hear.
Love, light and namaste,